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It’s Cooling Down To The Boiling Point It’s been a pretty stressful past two months. Actually it’s been a stressful handful of years. Frankly I’ve been stressed most of my life. Business, family, rent, mortgage, car, friends, sex, love, the future, the past, my house plants (all dying a slow painful death), how long that brisket has been in the fridge and even nuclear fucking war stress me out. Every day I look in the mirror and see more grey hairs on my head. I dropped by a friend’s house the other day and I swear he’s gone 30% more grey than the last time I saw him only a month ago. He’s had a stressful few months.
There are many ways one can deal with stress. Yoga (tried and I generally suck at it), Eating (chocolate definitely lowers my stress level but it ups my guilt level), sex (well, when it’s not causing stress, which is pretty much all the time so to be safe let’s say masturbation instead of sex), Beating the fuck outta some asshole (I’m a lover wimp, not a fighter) and for good measure I’ll throw in smoking the herb (I usually have a supply on hand but tend to forget to light up).
Frankly, I have no right to complain about my life. In fact, I’d hazard to say I live off stress. Stress is what gets me up in the morning, it’s what gets me to work, it’s what drives me to succeed. Stress is the proverbial boot kick to my ass. Stress makes my blood move a little quicker than it would. Stress is a grey cloud that’s chasing me.
One day maybe I won’t have anymore stress. I’ll be living on a beach somewhere (can I be your neighbour Amanda?) and my only concern will be when the next breaking wave is gonna happen. But since I don’t yet know how to surf, I’ll keep going greyer, I’ll keep worrying, I’ll keep out-running the grey cloud and I’ll keep cooling down to the boiling point.
It’s cooling down to the boiling point
Pass that joint I’ve been stressed
been twisted up to a knotted mess
when I try to untangle it
it’s too far frayed to get it fixed.
It’s cooling down to the boiling point
Call it quits shut the door
don’t want to hear about it anymore
I’ve had enough of what’s wrong with life
and what it takes just to get it right.
It’s cooling down to the boiling point
March 26th, 2010
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You Go Out The Front I Come In The Back features the voice of the lovely Elyse Connery. The song is pretty self explanatory. Relationships are like telephone connections circa 1925. Sometimes you’d get the person you’d want to talk to, sometimes you’d get someone else, but it always would be a confusing, static sounding mess.
Waking on the wrong side of the bed
last night’s 15 ales are in my head
try to figure out what comes with that
you go out the front I come in the back.
You go out the front I come in the back
I go out the front you come in the back
to say that we are lost is a matter of fact
you/I go out the front you/I go in the back
Monkey see and monkey always do
I’ve got you figured out but you’ve got no clue
never ending battle with yourself
need to get some professional help
March 24th, 2010
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First Day Of My Demise is about love. Actually it’s about giving up. That’s a sad way to approach love.
This song has been somewhat my mantra since I first wrote it many years ago. It’s more of a prophecy than a philosophy. When was that first day of my demise? Have I even had it yet? I think so. I believe, at this point in my life, that it was the first day I decided that love was a tangible thing. If you ever read any of the lyrics of my old mid-90s grunge band hHead you’d know that many of them were about a disdain for love. Total bullshit. I’m old enough to know now that there was no disdain, just fear. I used to think it was just a chemical reaction in the body. I don’t think that’s so anymore. I believe love is an emotion and emotions are more then chemical. We are more than chemical and I don’t mean that in a new-agey fucked-up hippie way. I believe in the ’soul’ in the sense that it’s something intangible but none the less real.
Love is the most vulnerable of all the emotions. Is it learned like awkwardness? I don’t think so. It’s more innate like shame. Though just like shame, you can learn to not feel it. Those of us who walk around ’soulless’ are probably just loveless or lovelost. I believe (at this moment, who know’s if tomorrow I’ll want to delete this) that love is: feeling (the soul’s body), thought (the soul’s head) and empathy (the soul’s limbs).
I once had a dream
but it fell apart on me
locust brain devours
the mystery of the hours
but I can take care of my own
shepherd to my flock
the solace gone the pain is all I’ve got
the sun is strong and it burns into my eyes
as I welcome the first day of my demise.
hold on tight I say
so you don’t blow away
instead you get too weighted down
and left bolted to the ground
was it the idea that left us behind
how could I have learned just what was on your mind
though we felt the same I saw a distance in your eyes
that’s why I welcome the first day of my demise.
stasis in the path
the life I cannot grasp
instead I let go
don’t understand though I know
that I can’t wait for this I feel I’m getting old
I must find bliss but the water’s getting cold
the coffee pot has whistled far too many times
I must not avoid the first day of my demise.
March 18th, 2010
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Dust On The Dashboard is a country song. It’s about jumping in a old car, driving away and leaving it all behind forever. Of course, in classic old school country fashion, it’s just a metaphor for ‘things are so fucked up here that I’ve got to leave so I can go fuck it up there too’. The chorus says it all “From the back seat I see, that I grip the wheel firmly. It’s me driving me”. Again, classic self loathing bullshit. Frankly, I’m not going anywhere and neither are you cause we’re too drunk and too lazy to actually figure out where to go, how to get there and what we’re going to do when we get there. Besides, this is totally schizo cause the ‘we’ is just me. I’m confused.
For no reason here’s a pic of me drunk out of my mind dressed up like a fly.
See the dust on the dashboard
and the paint’s given away to rust
but I give him $200
and drive it off the lot.
I don’t know where I’m going
but I know I’m not alone
behind me is familar
ahead is unknown.
From the backseat I see
that I grip the wheel firmly
cause it’s me driving me.
I tell myself I’m leaving
but really I’m going away
this road’s got me believing
that it would be a waste to stay.
Am I driving around in circles
through a long distance trail
does it lead me back to the alter
or does it lead me to the jail.
From the backseat I see
that I grip the wheel firmly
cause it’s me driving me.
March 16th, 2010
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Morningstar is song written from the perspective of Lucifer’s roommate in heaven. The Latin translation of ‘Lucifer’ is “light-bearer” somewhere in the Bible he’s referred to as the morning star. I looked it up, here is the passage “How you have fallen from heaven, O morning star, son of the dawn!”. Since I grew up Jew-Ish, I didn’t learn about the devil or hell, however if you’ve ever been to a Orthodox Seder (and you’re not Orthodox) it’s not too hard to imagine that Hell is probably something close to that. Personally, I subscribe to the Sartre version of hell. I hear they just made No Exit into a movie. I’m sure it’s gonna suck.
I stil don’t have the songs sounding like I want to. Maybe this recording one mic to tape in my apartment is a bad idea. I might have to go back to my studio. What’s the point of doing this if they sound crappy?
I don’t have an appropriate picture for this post so here is a picture of me at 15.
Dear Morningstar how are you
been thinking about you since the day you left
I kinda miss your antics
and the way you always made me laugh
and I’ve been thinking about the last thing
you told me before you fell
better to experience a failure
than always do it well
it’s freezing here in heaven
hope you’re warm and happy raising shit in hell.
I was frightened when I first arrived
was nervous and I didn’t know a thing
ignored by Mike and Gabriel
you welcomed me and helped me into my wings
you were more than just a teacher
you were my friend as well
and now that you’re gone I miss you
more than I can tell
it’s freezing here in heaven
hope you’re warm and happy raising shit in hell.
I can’t take this any longer
can’t hear another ringing bell
they call this a kingdom
but it’s just a prison cell
it’s freezing here in heaven
hope you’re warm and happy raising shit in hell
it’s freezing here in heaven
hope you morningstar is glowing bright in hell.
March 14th, 2010
A cut finger prevented me from recording new songs. I recorded three more this weekend and I’d like to properly master these ones. So expect new posts starting on Monday.
February 28th, 2010
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Inside Out is a song very fitting for right now. Last weekend I went to a Landmark Education (very hesitant to put a link here) course. Basically, it was a 39 hour long episode of Oprah. People, some with real problems, some with made up ones, would get on stage, confesses it front of 150 people and then get really bad advice from some asshole called ‘The Leader’. I went up to call him on his shit. He did some serious mind-fucking on me and I ended up some how confessing what a dick I’ve been for the past 5 years. His advice was to call everyone up that I feel I hurt, misused or abused over the years a confess to them my sins. When I sat back down I felt like someone had kicked me in the head with a kodiak boot. 15 minutes later I left… I was only half way through the course. I felt like shit for 5 days. I’m still recovering. This song wasn’t written out of that weekend but it could have been.
I’m a bit flat in this song and the last sung word is horrendous, but whatev. It’ll all get better as I post more songs. They all won’t be solo. I should have some guests soon.
I cannot love you when I’m inside out
I cannot feel you when I’m inside out
Inside out, Inside out
I twist I turn I try to learn but I’m inside out
I cannot feel you when I’m upside down
I cannot be with you when I’m upside down
Upside down, Upside down
I twist I turn I try to learn but I’m upside down
Stay with me and you will see, eventually
I’ll come around, I’ll get myself around
Stay with me
February 21st, 2010
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Take All I’ve Got is my first post. I don’t think I’ve got the mix of the guitar and vocal quite right yet. I wrote the song last summer for a wedding that I was invited to sing at. I was actually the wife’s gift to her husband (not as kinky as it sounds). I figured the least I could do was write a corny love song. I thought the protagonist was totally pathetic. Now I think different. I wish I was more like him.
We can take it slow
Baby I don’t know
Just what pace you like
Guess I’ll find out right
Cause I don’t mind to wait
Forever’s not too late
Cause I’ve got the time
To wait till you are mine
You can take all I’ve got
Make me what I’m not
Take all I am all I am
For you I will change
From black to white and back again
Take all I’ve got, all I’ve got
For you I will change
From pop to punk and back again
Take all I’ve got, all I’ve got
How Can I make you see
You’re the one for me
I’d walk around the world
To make you my girl
And I’d give you my heart
Should yours fall apart
Commit any sin
For you to let me in
You can take all I’ve got
Make me what I’m not
Take all I am all I am
For you I will change
From church to jail and back again
Take all I’ve got, all I’ve got
For you I will change
From prep to goth and back again
Take all I’ve got, all I’ve got
For you I will change
My hair, my clothes, my face, my name
Take all I got all I’ve got.
